I noticed yesterday that it's been a while - a long while - since I've read a book. It has also been a long while since I wrote anything - pretty much since December, after I finished my NaNo novel.
I have an overacrtive sense of guilt (instilled in me by my Catholic upbringing), which makes me think I should not be reading anything "for fun" unless I've finished all my work. If I need to clean the house, do laundry, grade papers, mow the lawn, I should be doing that instead of reading, because reading is fun.
As a result, I don't read. I don't necessarily do the work, either - but I can't "reward" myself with a book if there is work to do. I sit and mope, not wanting to do the work but not able to read or do the fun stuff, and eventually I fall asleep or waste the day or afternoon watching TV. It's a vicious cycle...
Outside of blogging (and it's not like I've kept up with that, either), I haven't written a word. That's because I'm supposed to be working on my dissertation. I can't write for fun until I've finished writing for work... Again, the only thing I end up accomplishing is a deep feeling of guilt, sliding into depression.
This school year, although I finally figured out a system and got myself organized, has been draining. I think that's part of the reason I have had so little will and energy for anything after leaving the school building. I don't know if that's a reason or an excuse, but I guess we'll find out soon enough!
I've been working on my website - the domain name I bought in December but have been to afraid (or drained) to develop. I'm still scared, and feeling a little lost in a lot of aspects, but I'm doing it! (Look for the Grand Unveiling soon!)
Yesterday I was browsing through the classifieds for a local alternative paper (one where I would like to work, and I was wondering where they post their open jobs), and the stress I've been feeling about finding the Right Job with the Right Pay started to lift and dissipate.
I'm at a new beginning - if in dire need, I can always pick up a teaching position. That should not be a problem, even through August; I have a safety net if I absolutely need one. But I dont wanna, and I'm not gonna hafta... I can get whatever job I want. Maybe I'm not going to get the Dream Job right off the bat, but I can work my way to it. There's no deadline. I can have fun along the way.
I have my resume almost ready to go, I want to run it through a few more pairs of eyes before hitting Kinko's... then I'm hitting the pavement, knocking on doors, smiling really pretty-like and asking for a job. A job with no homework, a job I can leave there when I go home - a job that gives me time to myself, to write.
And read a good book every now and then.