Tuesday, May 15, 2007

On problems and possibilities

I noticed yesterday that it's been a while - a long while - since I've read a book. It has also been a long while since I wrote anything - pretty much since December, after I finished my NaNo novel.

I have an overacrtive sense of guilt (instilled in me by my Catholic upbringing), which makes me think I should not be reading anything "for fun" unless I've finished all my work. If I need to clean the house, do laundry, grade papers, mow the lawn, I should be doing that instead of reading, because reading is fun.

As a result, I don't read. I don't necessarily do the work, either - but I can't "reward" myself with a book if there is work to do. I sit and mope, not wanting to do the work but not able to read or do the fun stuff, and eventually I fall asleep or waste the day or afternoon watching TV. It's a vicious cycle...

Outside of blogging (and it's not like I've kept up with that, either), I haven't written a word. That's because I'm supposed to be working on my dissertation. I can't write for fun until I've finished writing for work... Again, the only thing I end up accomplishing is a deep feeling of guilt, sliding into depression.

This school year, although I finally figured out a system and got myself organized, has been draining. I think that's part of the reason I have had so little will and energy for anything after leaving the school building. I don't know if that's a reason or an excuse, but I guess we'll find out soon enough!

I've been working on my website - the domain name I bought in December but have been to afraid (or drained) to develop. I'm still scared, and feeling a little lost in a lot of aspects, but I'm doing it! (Look for the Grand Unveiling soon!)

Yesterday I was browsing through the classifieds for a local alternative paper (one where I would like to work, and I was wondering where they post their open jobs), and the stress I've been feeling about finding the Right Job with the Right Pay started to lift and dissipate.

I'm at a new beginning - if in dire need, I can always pick up a teaching position. That should not be a problem, even through August; I have a safety net if I absolutely need one. But I dont wanna, and I'm not gonna hafta... I can get whatever job I want. Maybe I'm not going to get the Dream Job right off the bat, but I can work my way to it. There's no deadline. I can have fun along the way.

I have my resume almost ready to go, I want to run it through a few more pairs of eyes before hitting Kinko's... then I'm hitting the pavement, knocking on doors, smiling really pretty-like and asking for a job. A job with no homework, a job I can leave there when I go home - a job that gives me time to myself, to write.

And read a good book every now and then.

1 comment:

  1. As a writer, it´s important for you to keep up reading and writing. It´s not a fun reward, it´s part of something you want to do and be long-term. With that rationalization, maybe you can give youreself a set amount of time dedicated to these "fun" things, like 30 minutes a day or so many hours a week. If you only allow yourself to do the stuff that HAS to be done, you´ll be an emotional wreck. You have to let the dishes pile up every once in a while to do something just for fun and just for you, otherwise you go crazy.

    Many many job positioins are never openly advertised. Send out your resumee to those you want, whether they have anything "open" or not.

    I was also thinking today... it´s been way too long since you came down to Chile. Since you´ll have the flexibility this summer, you shoule keep an eye out on last-minute travel deals. I know American sometimes offers $700 flights to Chile, the catch being you have to fly the very next week but if you have the free time that´s not a problem. And I´çm sure many of the family members down here would be willing to offer you a place to stay so then you save on a hotel.