Some thoughts on the Penn State thing: educators and administrators reporting abuse (or not)

I used to get my news via Twitter, but even that got too depressing. I've been taking a hiatus, enjoying that whole Mom thing, focusing my energies on that.

I still hear about crap that happens in the news. Like this whole Penn State thing.

When I taught (K-12, in Texas), every year we had to sit through at least one in-service meeting about reporting child abuse. If you see something, if you hear something, if you think there's abuse going on, you  have to report it. It's the law to report it. if you don't, you can be sued, go to jail, etc.

This, really, should all be a given.

But, as I hear more about the Penn State thing (a graduate assistant saw it, he reported it to his supervisor, nobody did anything), I remembered the addendum to the in-service that we were told at the elementary school where I worked.

The training said we HAD to report the abuse. They gave us the number to call. The administration, and the counselor, were there to help us, if we wanted someone to be there when we made the call to Child Protective Services (in case we were nervous about the questions they would ask, or intimidated, or whatever).

But, somehow, "the administration is there to help you make the report" somehow turned into "if you think there is something to report, you  have to go to the administration first, and they'll make the call for you." We were not allowed to call CPS directly -- we HAD to go to the administration, and/or the counselor, and they would make the call for us, I guess with us in the room. But the call had to be made by the person in authority, the school principal. Not the lowly teacher.

I was concerned about a student once, and I went to the principal. I can't remember the details, because this was years ago, but the gist is I was told not to call. The administration was familiar with the situation, they knew the family, and they were sure nothing "bad" was going on. They would "keep an eye on it," though, and if there was anything to be concerned about, they would call CPS.

Now, I went to them because I was concerned about some things the parent had said (one comment that still stands clear in my mind: "If child abuse were legal, I'm telling you, I would abuse her!", said because the girl was so "difficult" and headstrong... well, if you're saying crap like that, you're probably abusing her already, love...) and some things the girl said in class. I had no "evidence," and what I had could easily be dismissed as "parenting choice." I went to the counselor about it because she knew the family (the girl and her brothers, and the older half-sister who was now in junior high), and had known them for years. This was my first year at the school, and my first year working in elementary (which is quite different from high school).

And, yeah, calling CPS was a little intimidating. Especially when all you have to say is, "The mom is a b!tch and I don't like her. And the daughter dresses too sexy for her age, which I don't like either."

So I went to my supervisors. And they told me to not worry my pretty little head about it, just look the other way and go on about my business.

What happened at Penn State is not new. Nor is it unusual (erm, hello, Catholic Church, anyone?) It happened to be really big, and involving prominent players (fancy, well-known coach; popular football team). But, now that I think about it, the very same thing could have happened at the cozy little elementary school where I worked. Maybe it has happened, but since none of the people who work there are famous (and the parents and the district have enough money to cover it up, probably, or keep it relatively quiet), no one has found out about it.

What if a substitute teacher, or a teaching aide, or a first-year teacher actually witnessed abuse? The elementary school has students from kinder to sixth grade. What if a sixth-grader were molesting a kindergartner? The sub, or aide, or teacher would go to the administration, as she had been told. Plus, that's a pretty traumatic thing to witness, I would want to have someone "in control," someone to help me cope. Someone to hold my hand.

And then the principal does what he did to me. "Thanks for telling us. We'll take care of it."

Because they don't want to upset the parents (that was a pretty strong theme at that school). They don't want to risk a lawsuit, accusing someone of something that probably didn't happen. They don't want the negative publicity the school would get, if this got on the news. The sub/aide/teacher probably misinterpreted the situation, anyway...

So they don't call. Maybe they tell the sub/aide/teacher that they did call, maybe they tell her it's been "handled;" maybe they tell her to forget about it, or, if she asks again, even threaten her, telling her she needs to move on, forget about what she thinks she saw.

What's the policy where you work?

What's the policy where your children go to school?

What's the written, official policy, and what's the "informal" policy the administration tells the teachers?

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Emotional Intelligence FAIL: Victim-blaming 101

A few weeks ago I was at a conference. While waiting in line at the hotel's tiny coffee shop (I was carrying too much junk with me to walk the 1/2 a block to Starbucks), I heard the lady behind me complain, "They should have planned better for this."

It was a tiny hotel coffee shop. There were three employees working back there, and I honestly could not see where a fourth could possibly fit. The line was moving quite quickly.

It was 8:32. The conference's first session started at 8:30. I had meant to get downstairs earlier, but didn't, and was therefore not surprised by the line at the coffee shop. At least I got in line before 8:30, unlike the lady whining (who had cut in line, by the way).

"They should have planned better"? Really? How about YOU get your lazy arse out of bed early enough to order your double-pump white chocolate cappuccino before the meeting starts? How come THEY have to plan to accommodate YOU? Why can't YOU be held accountable for YOU?

This is one of the problems in our society, the blame is always on the other guy. Yesterday, I went to an all-day workshop on emotional intelligence. In a nutshell, emotional intelligence is about personal accountability and being self-aware; realizing that you cannot control the other guy, that you can only control what you do; therefore, focusing on what you need to do, not what the other guy needs to do.*

In the case presented above, the lady should have gotten herself down to the lobby earlier than 8:32. It is not the hotel's responsibility to get her coffee, it is her responsibility to find herself the coffee. She should have realized her role in the line-waiting incident: the hotel coffee shop was sure to be busy in the morning, she should have scheduled appropriately.

The workshop started bugging me early on, but I tried to keep quiet. Nobody wants to be the person who argues with the presenter. But then, the guy went off on a tangent that boiled my blood.

He was talking about the amygdala in the brain and how it works, and decided to tell us about his friend's book, about women ignoring their intuition.

Example 1: Woman forgot her briefcase or purse at the office. She goes back to get it. In the dark street, her intuition is telling her something's wrong. In the parking lot, her intuition is telling her something's wrong. As she hits the button on the elevator, her intuition tells her something's wrong -- but she ignored it. Elevator doors open, large rapist grabs her, rapes her, and stabs her 60 times. SHE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER. If she had listened to her intuition, she would not have been raped.

Example 2: Woman meets guy at bar. He seems nice, they exchange phone numbers. Next day, he calls her in the morning and at night. Next day, he calls her morning, noon, and night. Next day, gives her a cell phone, so he can call her at all hours of the day and night. Next day, he calls, she doesn't answer, he goes to her house and beats her up. SHE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER. She should have done something to stop the guy.

Excuse me, but I'm at a workshop to learn that I cannot control other people's actions, I can only control my own, and this guy tells me the victims are to blame?

I CANNOT CONTROL THE RAPIST'S ACTIONS.

I CANNOT CONTROL THE ATTACKER'S ACTIONS.

How can these situations be the victim's fault? There is nothing the women could have done to keep the attackers from hurting them.

"Oh, if the woman hadn't been in the building late at night, the rapist wouldn't have gotten her."

True. If a woman never leaves her house, she will not be raped on the street.

The problem here is not the woman, so let's stop focusing on her. She's innocent. The problem is the rapist.

"Oh, the girl should have known the guy was a psycho when he kept calling her."

I'm sure she had a pretty good idea that he was not your average "nice guy." But if he didn't snap on day 5, he would have snapped on day 1, when she decided to not answer the phone the second time he called. The problem is not the girl -- it's not like the psycho was sitting there, thinking, "If she continues the relationship for X days I'll beat the living cr@p out of her, but if she breaks up with me after one or two days, I'll leave her alone." You cannot control someone who's crazy/imbalanced.

Again, she is not the one with the power to avoid the act of violence. The only one who can prevent that act of violence is the one committing it.

So stop focusing the attention on what women need to do. Try some of these tips instead.

*This is Criss's Vague Notion of Emotional Intelligence. If you know better than she does, which would not be hard, please feel free to share your knowledge and expertise in the comments. Criss went to the workshop to learn more about EI, but, as you can tell from reading the post, the presented didn't spend a whole lot of time talking about EI. It was more about him.